Seinfeld: The Hermit
SCENE 1: The coffee shop
Jerry and George sit at their usual booth eating lunch and conversing.
Jerry: Scented toilet paper?
George: What’s wrong with it?
Jerry: What’s right with it?
George: You wouldn’t use it?
Jerry: No, I wouldn’t.
George: Why? Why wouldn’t you use it? Give me one possible reason why you wouldn’t use it?
Jerry: It’s stupid.
George: How? How’s it stupid? You walk around all day, you’re fresh. The end of the day, your underwear smells like apples. That’s a bad thing?
Jerry: Some places just shouldn’t smell that fresh, okay?
Besides, that sounds like more of a Kramer thing.
George: What? What, I can’t have any ideas?
Jerry: No. No you can’t.
Kramer walks in carrying a stuffed garbage bag.
Jerry: Speaking of the K-man…
He looks stressed out as he stumbles into the booth.
Jerry: What, what’s wrong with you?
Kramer: Women, that’s what. Yeah….they’re all Triscuits…they’re crackers.
George: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know that girl I was dating there, Grace.
Jerry: The mortician.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Well, I tried to tell her that I’m not ready to settle down with 1 person, ‘cause you know, I gotta weigh my options, y’know?
Kramer: And now she’s all upset because she wants me all to herself. Man…(points to himself) this beauty. It’s more of a curse than a gift Jerry.
George: Oh boo-hoo. What a problem! I’m trying to get girls to stand the sight of me for more than 2 consecutive outings, and he’s worried about them being too clingy.
Kramer: And I can’t even blame this on the Kavorka. Everybody wants me. Christians, Jews, black people, white people…(under his breath) men!!
Jerry: This is quite the caper.
Kramer: Well, I’ve made a decision. I can’t live the rest of my life being shallow, disrespectful, leading girls on for no apparent reason. No, I can’t be like Jerry.
Jerry kind of frowns at the comment
Kramer (cont’d.): I’ll never be like Jerry.
George: So, what are you gonna do?
Kramer: I’ve made a life decision. I’m never leaving my apartment.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: No, I’m out Jerry. I’m out. (He reaches into his bag and leafs through things). Frozen foods, movies, clothes; enough to last for 18 months. 19, with proper conservation. I’m going to become a hermit. I’m out.
George: Shouldn’t that mean you’re in?
Kramer: I’m far too dangerous right now to be walking the streets like some civilian.
Jerry: Yeah, this sounds like it can’t miss.
George: Well, on that note, I’m going to meet Martha.
Jerry: I thought she’s getting sick of you.
George: Yeah, she is…but I’m not letting her go without a fight. This girl is way out of my league. So, I’m taking her to Rosie’s.
Jerry: The ugly coffee shop?
Kramer: The what?
Jerry: This coffee shop is unprecedented. Every single person in this place looks like they work at the D.M.V. It’s disgusting.
George gets out of the booth and heads to the door.
George: Next to those guys, I look like Dennis Franz. It’s all or nothing. Wish me luck baby!
Kramer: George, I won’t be getting out again for at least a year-and-a-half, so stop by. We’ll have soy milkshakes.
George looks puzzled.
Jerry: Don’t ask.
George bids adieu and heads out the door.
SCENE 2: Interior: Rosie’s, the “ugly coffee shop”.
George escorts his date, Martha inside.
Martha: But George, I said we really need to talk.
George: Martha, Martha, Martha. I just thought it would be nice if we sat down and talked in a nice place with a nice crowd. This crowd representing your average crowd, nobody worse looking than the majority of the American population.
Martha looks around and is kind of grossed out by the ugliness of the coffee shop and the patrons.
The waitress comes over to seat them. She is smoking a cigarette and coughing disgustingly.
George: My lovely young lady. We’d like your best booth please. Nothing but the best for my girl!
Waitress: Wow, aren’t you a handsome one?
George smiles at the compliment.
George: Just the booth my dear.
Waitress: That booth has the least cigarette burns.
George: You’ve been a doll.
He takes out a bill and throws it in her tip jar.
Martha looks disgusted and uncomfortable.
George leads her to their booth and they sit down.
George: Now Martha, you had something you wanted to say to me? Something important that couldn’t wait, I believe.
Martha looks around the bar, and ponders for a few moments.
Martha: Yes George. I just wanted to say that, I….I really, like you, and I’m glad that I was able to meet somebody so, so…so, above average.
George: Ahhhh, that’s nice. A piece of pie over here!
SCENE 3: Jerry’s Apartment.
Jerry is on the phone.
Jerry: No, just come over. I’m not getting you fresh fruit. No! You know, you’re not acting like a hermit when you call me every 5 minutes! What? This is the last time. I’m out!
Jerry hangs up the phone.
The buzzer rings.
Jerry goes over to see who’s downstairs.
Elaine (over intercom): It’s Elaine. Buzz me up.
Jerry: Come on up.
In the background, there’s a noise of drilling, hammering etc.
Jerry goes back to his bathroom area to see where it’s coming from.
Jerry (to himself): What is that noise?
He searches around but can’t seem to locate it.
Elaine enters the apartment.
Elaine: So, we going to the coffee shop?
Jerry: I don’t know. It’s not the same with just us two.
Elaine: Thanks a lot.
Jerry: No, you know what I mean. Kramer is a hermit. George spends all his time with Martha at the ugly coffee shop. It’s all falling apart!
The noise of drilling and hammering etc. continues.
Elaine: What is that noise?
Jerry: I don’t know. I can’t find where it’s coming from.
Elaine: Well, we’re not staying here. It’s driving me crazy!
Jerry: Alright, alright.
Elaine: Why don’t we go to Rosie’s?
Jerry: Are you kidding? Have you ever been to the ugly coffee shop?
Elaine: Come on. How bad can it be? Plus, Georgy’s there.
The phone rings. Jerry picks it up.
Jerry: Hello? No. No Kramer! No! I’m not picking you up a grilled cheese. How did you know we’re going? No!
Jerry hangs up.
Jerry: Fine, let’s just go.
They leave the apartment.
Scene 4: Interior, Rosie’s Coffee Shop
Jerry and Elaine enter Rosie’s coffee shop where George and Martha are seated.
George sees them enter and is not impressed.
Jerry: Georgie boy!
George: Jerry, Elaine…what are ya doing here?
Elaine: Jerry can’t handle me 1-on-1.
Jerry: No, no. I just haven’t seen ya recently.
They sit in the booth.
George: Jerry, Elaine, this is Martha.
Martha: (flirtatious, to Jerry) Nice to meet you.
George is getting upset.
Martha: If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the ladies room.
George: Yes, yes, the ladies room. Good idea.
Martha leaves for the washroom and gives Jerry a glance.
George: What are you two doing?
George: You’re ruining this whole experience for me.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: In this coffee shop, her only frame of reference is ugly people, which makes me look half-decent. With you two here, I’ve just lost points on the totem pole.
Jerry: The what?
George: Never mind.
Elaine notices a very good looking guy seated alone at a booth.
Elaine: Well, I don’t know about everybody being ugly George. Hunk, table for 1…12 o’clock!
The guy notices Elaine looking over and smiles.
Jerry: He smiled at you Elaine.
Elaine: Patience Jerome. I see.
Elaine gets up and goes over to talk to him.
Elaine: Okay, I’m going in.
She goes over and sits down as George and Jerry continue to talk.
Martha starts to walk back from the restroom.
George: You’re making me very uncomfortable. Did you see the way she smiled at you?
Jerry: You’re being ridiculous.
Martha sits back down and smiles at Jerry again.
George (upset), clears his throat loudly.
Martha: So, Jerry, what do you do?
Jerry: I’m a comedian.
Martha: Oh wow, I just love comedy. Maybe I could come see your act some time.
George (very angry): Funny guy!
Jerry (sensing George’s anger): Ah, ya know, I’m not really comfortable with people watching me, y’know, on stage.
Martha is perplexed.
Elaine returns to the booth with a number in her hand.
Jerry: Look at you.
Elaine: It’s a lesson for the kids, what can I tell ya? Seek and ye shall find.
George: Don’t you have to be going to your, appointment? (George winks)
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, shut up. I’m going.
She holds up the phone #.
Wish me luck.
Jerry: Good luck.
Elaine leaves the restaurant.
Waitress (yelling to everybody): Is there a Jerry Steinfeld here?
Jerry is curious.
Jerry: Yeah, I’m Jerry Seinfeld.
Waitress: There’s a phone call for you.
Jerry goes over and curiously picks up the phone behind the counter.
George and Martha look on curiously.
What? No, I’m not getting you that grilled cheese. No Kramer. No!
He slams the phone down.
Jerry: (very politely, sudden quick change back to the “usual” Jerry)
Thank you very much.
As Jerry is heading back, he is stopped by the man Elaine was talking with.
Man: Hey there. Tell your friend I’ll be in touch.
Jerry: Yeah, sure.
The man starts to get up and Jerry lets him go ahead. As the man gets up, he grabs a pair of crutches and starts to walk off.
Jerry looks on and so do George and Martha. As he starts to crutch away, it’s apparent that the man has only 1 leg.
Jerry and George look on in bewildered awe as they exchange glances. The 1-legged man crutches past George and Martha, gives a head nod. George nods, puts on a plastic smile, and tries not to stare.
The 1-legged man leaves the restaurant.
Jerry shrugs his shoulders at George.
Scene 5-Interior, Jerry’s Apartment, Bathroom.
Jerry is by the sink washing his face.
Kramer’s voice is heard.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry is completely surprised.
He looks around.
Jerry: (screams) Ahhh. Kramer?
Jerry looks around trying to find where Kramer is talking from.
We can see only Kramer’s eye and a bit of his face from a peephole that he has carved through Jerry’s bathroom from his apartment.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: What’d you do today?
Jerry: What? You made a peephole? That was the noise I heard earlier.
Kramer: No, no. It’s a communication hole. Do you think you could squeeze a banana through?
Jerry: What? No, Kramer. I’m not getting you a banana. I’m officially freaking out here.
Kramer: Well…I got bored.
Jerry starts to leave.
Kramer: Jerry, you have to hear this story about my buddy Bob Sacamano.
Jerry leaves the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. He looks back at the bathroom confused.
Jerry: (aloud, to himself) Just when you think he can’t get any weirder.
The apartment buzzer rings.
Jerry goes over and answers it.
Elaine (over intercom): Hey. It’s Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
There’s a knock on the door.
Jerry opens it.
Jerry: Hello Newwwmmaannn.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: What do you want?
Newman: Kramer wanted me to give this to you.
Newman hands Jerry a radio with a cut-out picture of Kramer’s face on it, and the words, “Hey Buddies” coming from the mouth.
Jerry: What is this?
Newman: It’s a radio.
Jerry: I can see that. Is that about all Newman?
Jerry slams the door shut right in Newman’s face as Elaine arrives.
Jerry opens the door again.
Jerry: Goodbye Newman.
Newman jogs back down the hall.
Newman: Goodbye Jerry.
Elaine: Thanks a lot.
Elaine looks at the radio and laughs.
Elaine: What’s that?
Jerry: It’s a radio.
Elaine: I can see that.
Kramer (over the radio): Hey buddy.
Jerry: Kramer, what is this?
Kramer: It’s a radio.
Jerry: We’ve established that. Why am I holding onto it?
Kramer: Hey Elaine.
Elaine (confused): Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: Well, you didn’t like my communication hole, so I thought this way…I’ll always be in the conversation.
Jerry: And that’s just what we need.
Elaine: (ignoring the whole situation)
Anyway, so what do ya think?
Jerry: Of what?
Elaine: Of what? The ugly coffee shop. The hot guy Stephen. My moves.
Elaine does a little dance.
Jerry (kind of nervous):
Yeah, it was good.
Elaine: Just good.
Jerry: Really good.
Elaine: I mean, the gorgeous blue eyes, the cute little dimples. I don’t even want to start with his chin!
Jerry: Yeah, (nervous) that was some chin.
Kramer: Jerry, I need you to come over tonight and give me a hair cut.
Jerry: I’m not giving you a hair cut!
Kramer: Come on man!
Elaine: What’s with you? What, are you jealous of Stephen?
Jerry: No, it’s not that.
Elaine: What is it then? Spill it Jerry.
Jerry: (very fast and nervous)
Okay, well, after you left, I was sitting with George, and Kramer called me on the phone to get him a grilled cheese, and then I was walking back, and that guy Stephen got his crutches and got up…
Kramer (interrupting): Your new boyfriend has 1 leg.
Kramer: 1 leg. Like a pirate.
Elaine: Well, this is just great! Does he have a wooden leg?
Jerry: No. Just 1 leg. No wooden leg.
Elaine: Well, is there a stump?
Jerry: Yeah, there’s a stump.
Elaine: Now, is it amputated above, or below the knee?
Jerry: Well, he was wearing pants, so I couldn’t really see how big the stump was.
Funny how they keep the pant leg, even when there’s really no leg there.
Elaine is not amused.
Elaine: Well, that’s that. I’m going to call him right now and cancel our date.
Kramer: You don’t want to do that Elaine.
Elaine: What are you talking about Kramer?
Kramer: Because that kind of shallowness is the exact same problem that has plagued me lo, these many years.
(in high Kramer voice) And now I’m a radio!
Jerry: He has a point Elaine. Is Stephen not human? When he cuts does he not bleed? Do the one legged humans of our society not feel the same need and desperation to fit in that we all do?
Kramer: You know my friend Bob Sacamano? Yeah, he dated a woman with no arms once. You know, they can have kids with both arms!
Jerry and Elaine look puzzled as they ignore Kramer.
Elaine: Yeah. You’re right Jerry. What did he do to deserve being treated differently?
Jerry: You see? So he’ll never do the 2-step, who cares?
Elaine: I do see… and it all becomes clear now. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
Elaine: I mean, I hate guys who cross their legs. With him, it’s not even an option.
He’s just as good as everybody else, right?
Elaine: I’m sure I could be very happy with him, huh?
Jerry: Not a chance! Go get ‘em kid.
Jerry: Break a leg!
She smiles as she stands outside the door.
Jerry slams it as George arrives.
Jerry (to himself): This is going to be a shame.
George opens the door and enters.
George: Thanks a lot.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Jerry, who’s there?
George looks around, curious as to where the voice is coming from.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
George (to Jerry): What is that?
Jerry: It’s a radio.
George: I can see that. Well, you really screwed me this time!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: This. (He points to a copy of The Village Voice)
Jerry: The Village Voice?
George: Here, read it.
Jerry picks up the paper and reads the article George points to.
Jerry (aloud): Rosie’s coffee shop is on the up-and-up. Regulars like comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who even has his calls forwarded there, make sure that Rosie’s is an up and coming hot spot?
Kramer: I could see that. You’re a very minor celebrity. That creates a very minor buzz.
Jerry: But I’m not a regular.
George: But people reading this don’t know that. The ugly coffee shop is now the “it” spot. I went down there with Martha for lunch today…I counted 12 good looking couples!
Jerry: I didn’t know.
George: Why did you have to come down there? I had my own little world there. For once, I was above average!
Jerry: It was Elaine’s idea.
George: And now Martha likes it there. She thinks it’s “cool”. I’m meeting her there later. I’m getting dumped. I can feel it.
Kramer: Hey George. After you get dumped, I need you to pick me up some fresh fish.
George: What? What about all the frozen food you bought? (mockingly)
18 months worth, I believe.
Kramer: I can’t find my freezer. It’s here somewhere…I don’t know.
George and Jerry look at each other perplexed, then move on and ignore Kramer.
Jerry: So, what are you going to do?
George: I don’t know. I got nothin’.
Kramer: It’s simple George. 2 words…Covert Operation.
Kramer: You go down to her apartment.
Kramer: Yeah, you cancel the dinner, and plant the radio…She’s gonna get on the phone and talk to her friends. She gets to talking about you, the relationship…
Kramer: You come over, we eavesdrop in on the conversation, and you know where you stand!
Jerry: Yeah, this can’t miss.
George: No, no, that’s not bad.
Jerry: Oh, it’s bad.
George: Except the radio’s not going to work in Greenwich Village!
Kramer: George, this is the XR12 Triple Watt Plus! Me and Jay Rimenschnimer played all-night poker over this thing. And he was in the Hamptons, locked in a panic room!
Jerry: You couldn’t see each others’ hands? How do you know he didn’t cheat?
Kramer: (grunts) I knew there was no straight flush to the joker. Yeah!!
Jerry: George, remember what happened with the tape recorder in your briefcase?!
George: You know something? I think this might just work.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah! As long as this “Relish Village” place isn’t further than the Hamptons, we’re in business!
George: I got nothing to lose Jerry! I’m out!
He grabs the radio.
SCENE 6: Martha’s Apartment, Greenwich Village
Martha is tidying up when there’s a knock on the door.
Martha moves to answer it.
Martha: 1 second.
She looks through the peephole and opens the door curiously.
George is there with a paper bag under his arm.
Martha: George? I thought we were going to meet later at Rosie’s.
What’s in the bag?
Kramer: Who’s there?
Martha is puzzled.
George clears his throat, trying to hide the fact that Kramer is speaking through the radio.
George: Just some groceries. Anyway, there’s been a slight change of plans. I have to head out and do some charity work for the elderly. I usually only go twice a week, but Mr. Vandelay’s hip is just, acting up, so…
Martha: I didn’t know you did charity work.
George: You know, I just got into it. Anyway, if I could borrow some of that ointment you have in your bathroom, I think that would help him a lot.
Martha: Yeah, I guess. Help yourself.
George: Oh no. I know how women don’t want us guys snooping around the washroom.
Martha: I don’t mind.
George, a little frustrated .
George: Nevertheless! I insist.
Martha, a little perplexed.
As Martha heads to the back to grab the ointment George quickly pulls Kramer out of the bag and looks for somewhere to place him.
George (to radio): Will you shut up?
Kramer: Well, I got confused.
George: You okay here for a couple of hours?
Kramer: Where am I going?
George: Whatever. I’ll be over soon.
Kramer: Bring the fish!
George finds a spot behind some large pictures by the desk to hide the radio.
Martha returns with the ointment.
Martha: Who are you talking to?
George: Myself. Like to talk to myself!
Martha: Yeah. Anyway, here it is.
George: Great, thanks. And uh, I’ll stop by in a couple of hours when I’m back in the neighborhood.
Martha: Yeah, we really need to talk George.
George: Talking is good. Talk aloud if you want! To friends, family, whatever. And then, we’ll talk. Well, gotta run. Can’t keep Mr. Vandelay waiting!
George: Gotta go!
George leaves quickly and slams the door behind him.
SCENE 7: Interior, Rosie’s Coffee Shop
Elaine and Stephen sit at the booth.
Elaine looks bored.
Elaine (inner voice): Who does this guy think he is? I meet him, and he’s already seated at the booth, acting all 2-legged? He hasn’t got up once!
Stephen: Yeah, my last stunt double role was for Tom Cruise.
Elaine (inner voice): And now he’s just lying.
Stephen: I had to run over these burning coals.
Elaine (inner voice): More like hop!
Stephen: Dive over this car.
Elaine (inner voice): Trip!
Stephen: And get right back onto my feet!
Elaine (inner voice): I think you mean foot!
Elaine: Yeah, that sounds really challenging.
Elaine (inner voice): Did he think my friend’s wouldn’t tell me he only has 1 leg?
Stephen: It’s intense, that’s for sure! Every day is like putting a different foot forward!
Elaine (inner voice, sarcastically): Because you have so many to choose from.
Elaine: Yeah, it certainly doesn’t sound boring.
Stephen: Enough about me. What do you do?
Elaine: Well, I work for uh …
Elaine thinks for a few seconds, then smiles.
Elaine: I’m the heiress to a candy bar fortune.
Stephen is very interested.
Stephen: Oh really?
Elaine: No, no Stephen. Oh Henry!
They both laugh.
Scene 8: Interior, Kramer’s apartment. It is in shambles, cluttered worse than ever before. Newspapers, pizza boxes, and junk litter the room.
George sits intently with Kramer on the couch by the radio.
Kramer is dressed in a tattered robe and has a full beard. His hair is messier and longer than usual.
He chews on pieces of fresh fish.
George (whispering): Kramer, what’s that smell?
Kramer: That’s rotten meat, buddy.
George (whispering): That’s disgusting.
Kramer: Oh, you get used to it.
Kramer chews very noisily, and knocks over a plate, making a loud bang.
Kramer: Relax. I’ve got it on 1-way. She can’t hear a thing.
There are noises coming from the walkie-talkie.
Martha’s voice is heard over the radio making a phone call.
Martha (over the radio): Hey Pam. What are you doing?
Yeah, I’m fine. No, we’re not going to go to dinner anymore. I actually think he might want to break up with me.
George: No, she wants to break up with me!
Martha (over the radio): Yeah, I know I’m much better looking than him, but still.
George looks a little embarrassed.
Kramer: This is interesting.
Martha (over the radio): I keep telling him that I want to have this talk, and he keeps avoiding it.
George: The dump talk. She wants to have the dump talk!
Martha (over the radio): All I want to tell him is how much I’ve fallen for him, and he wouldn’t even let me do that!
George is upset. He picks up the radio and brings it closer to himself.
George: What? No, no! I’d let you.
Martha (over the radio): How much he was just my type. Short, stocky, bald. Oh, so bald!
Kramer: I can’t hear.
He and George fight over the radio, and it falls on the ground, knocking the 2-way switch on.
George: Pick it up Kramer.
They fight over the radio.
George: Give it to me! Here, let me have it!
George: She’s my girlfriend.
Kramer: Yeah, but it’s my face on that radio!
Martha (over the radio): George? What are you doing?
Kramer: Oh Mama, you knocked on the 2-way switch!
George picks up the radio and timidly speaks, trying to act like nothing’s wrong.
George: Hey sweetheart. How are you? I’ll be over in a bit. Mr. Vandelay’s just getting out of the tub.
Martha (over the radio): What are you, some kind of pervert? What is this?
Kramer: It’s a radio.
George: No, no. It’s strictly a communication piece. Let me tell you something. I leave these everywhere I go. Just to keep in touch. This is what I do.
Martha (over the radio): George?
George: Yes darling.
Martha (over the radio): Never call me again!
George: Okay, so we’ll take a little time off for now. Maybe meet up later this week? Rosie’s? You love Rosie’s…the “it” place. Right, honey? Right?
The radio clicks off.
George realizes this chapter is over.
Kramer: Wow. You really shouldn’t have planted that radio there buddy! That was stupid.
Kramer gives him a slap on the back.
George gives him a dirty look.
George: I’m aware!
SCENE 9: Interior, Monk’s Coffee Shop
Jerry, George, and Elaine sit having coffee.
George and Elaine seem down, while Jerry is in a great mood.
Jerry: See, the way I see it, it’s all for the best. We’re back at the coffee shop. Single, no prospects…it’s a thing of beauty.
George: (sarcastically, bitter) Yeah, yeah. Single? What happened with that one-legged guy Elaine?
Jerry: Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Elaine rolls her eyes.
Elaine: Okay, okay. Well, it was all going great. He was a compulsive liar who made up everything from his job to pretending he had 2 legs.
George: 2 legs?
Elaine: It’s a long story. He never left the booth okay? Anyway, it was annoying at first, but then after, it started to get fun. I could be anybody or anything I wanted. A princess, a race car driver…
Elaine: (bitterly) Yeah, Superman! It was a relationship built purely on lies.
Jerry: That’s nice.
Elaine: (almost crying) Yeah. I accepted him, 1-legged liar and all!
George: Sounds great. So, what happened?
Elaine: Okay, okay. We went out to a bar and they were playing Witchy Woman, and…
George: You didn’t?
Jerry: She did!
George: You danced?
Elaine: He took one look at my moves, and hopped out the front door. I’ve never seen such a quick getaway. He looked like he was on a pogo stick!
George: So you were rejected for bad dancing…
Jerry: By a man with 1 leg…that my friends, is a shame.
Elaine: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.
Jerry comforts her uncaringly.
Kramer walks into the coffee shop wearing sunglasses, fully-shaven and looking like the Kramer of old.
He sits down at the booth.
Jerry: What’s with the shades?
Kramer: Well, I have to let my eyes adjust to natural light again.
George: And better yet, what are you doing here?
Kramer: What do ya mean?
George: The whole hermit thing…?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. That’s over. Yeah, you know that intranet?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. It’s got unlimited porn. Yeah, I had to get out of there. For a guy with a low sperm count, I can’t be wasting my time with practice shots!
Elaine: (grossed out, pushes her meal away) Okay, well I’m done eating.
Kramer: Plus, I accidentally clogged my toilet with my 9 iron.
George is puzzled, and about to say something when Jerry interrupts…
Jerry (to George): Don’t ask.
Kramer: But, it gave me an idea…a socially acceptable adult diaper. For those times when you can’t or don’t want to go to the washroom. You can wear it out in public. To bars, on the street, business meetings…to the coffee shop.
Jerry: Don’t tell me.
Kramer: Oh, you better believe it buddy. I’ve got one on right now. Now keep in mind that it’s just a prototype.
Kramer starts to take off his pants to show the diaper.
George (pushes his meal away): That’s enough for me.
Jerry: Me too.
The three of them get out of the booth and start to leave.
Kramer: Come on, where are you going? This is going to be the next big thing. I’m going to make these in different colours, patterns. George, I’m working on a velvet diaper for you buddy!
They leave through the front door as Kramer waits behind.
As Kramer stands there, a man in a suit comes up to him.
Businessman: Excuse me. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I think your idea is, well, just great.
Kramer: Well, I like to think so, yeah.
Businessman: Bill Burns.
Kramer: Kosmo Kramer.
They shake hands.
Businessman: I work for the home shopping network. Have you ever heard of us?
Kramer: HSN? Are you kidding? I have every season on tape.
Businessman: Yes, well, that’s eerily disturbing, but nevertheless. We would love to be in the Kosmo Kramer business. What would you say to coming on the show? You know, modeling a few of these adult diapers. You look like you have the body to pull it off.
Kramer: That’s true…and I’d say……………….Giddy-up!
Businessman: Now, what would you say to me viewing this prototype? Just to get a feel for what we’re working with here.
Kramer: Well, I’d say………Giddy-up again. Follow me to my office.
Kramer and the man walk toward the bathroom.
As they walk into the bathroom area, Kramer chats away.
Kramer: What I’m thinking is a different theme for different people. You know, for the gentler people we’ll use earthy tones, salmon colors. For an edgier diaper, we put a racing stripe down the side. Maybe a lightning bolt!
Businessman: I like the sound of this.
The theme music kicks in. The credits roll.
POST-SHOW FINAL SCENE
Jerry is sitting on his couch flipping through the channels.
As he is flipping, he stops at the Home Shopping Network, where Kramer is in a leopard print adult diaper. He is strutting around as the announcer speaks.
Announcer: And folks, these things are selling like hotcakes. And to be honest, we’re not surprised. And our model over here is not only a pretty face. He’s also the inventor of the adult diaper that we’ve called “The Bathroom Buddy.” And folks, this is no gimmick. Our model is actually urinating as we speak.
Kramer smiles proudly. Jerry turns off the television and throws the remote on the chair.
FADE TO BLACK